As I read my Bible it is becoming increasingly clear to me that my Biblical hero is Paul. He has such authority and uses it to advance the kingdom of God. It's never for his personal gain, but, for the glory of God. In 2 Corinthians Paul mentions that no one should brag about anything but Christ; not to show how good the human is, but to show how fragile he is and how awesome Jesus is through him.
Paul mentions in Chapter 12 the "thorn" in his flesh. I've heard numerous purity sermons and teen-friendly sermons that discuss the thorn that Paul could be referring to. Every time I read this chapter or hear this sermon, I can only think of the thorn that is in my flesh. Only recently am I thinking of mine own thorn in a new light:
7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Firstly, my thorn is not anything that I will divulge details on here. The point of this post is for me to gain understanding through typing out thoughts but, also, to encourage and glorify Christ through the revelations gained from my increasing understanding of Him.
As a worship leader it is my biggest struggle to be in front of a group of people, especially teens and be obedient and lead others into His throne-room and to declare His heart for His people and lead others into crying out their hearts and feelings of adoration, depravity and need of Him. The struggle lies in the thorn. I know where I am weak. I am weaker than what I let most anyone know.
Every time I stop to think about the leadership position I am in, especially after God uses me and speaks through me, I find myself in complete disarray. I know where I fail and I feel unworthy and scared. My thorn always pricks me and reminds me that I am a failure and that I am not perfect. Who am I to be declaring the word of the Lord? To say, follow me as I follow Christ? My thorn is a constant reminder of how much of a failure I am.
Only within the past two years have I experienced God use me as his mouthpiece. This is my desire: To be His vessel that He uses to speak life into His people through worship. To His songs to us, and to sing our songs back to Him. God has shown Himself faithful and the true giver of the desires of my heart in this area. So, in reading verse 7, I realize, God has given me many revelations and the feelings of unworthiness from my thorn may be a way that God keeps me humble. I know those words aren't from me. I am dirty, unclean, unfit for any pure thing. But, as God says to Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Aside from the thorn reminding me of my impurity, the thorn has tormented me for years in other ways. Some days I am okay with it and rest in the peace and grace of God. Other days, I struggle to stay afloat. I hate it and question why God would do this to me. "If you know me and love me why would you allow me to deal with this!?" I still have no answer, but, I feel, like Paul, that I have asked God to take this affliction from me and I am recently reminded that when I am weak, through Christ, I am made strong that He may be glorified.
Paul talks about boasting in His weakness. I do not know if I will ever be able to boast about my weakness completely and truly openly to anyone. I suppose Paul actually does not boast about it so openly either. He mentions that he is weak and has issues to deal with that God has given him to keep him humble. Paul does take joy in his weaknesses, afflictions, persecutions, insults and difficulties. I am learning to take joy in these as well. For this is another facet and step toward a likeness of Christ; being humble and accepting and rejoicing in Christ's goodness, mercy, grace, peace and strength, knowing that nothing I do is of my own power. Though Paul lived thousands of years of ago, I take comfort that I am not the first or only person ever in history to go through something of this nature. For all I know, Paul's thorn could be mine own.
