Journey :: Conviction, part 2

**Writer's update: The series of "Conviction" was intended to be three parts. After further contemplation, the third part of conviction is quite personal. In order to keep this blog something MORE than a diary or journal of life, the third part will remain, for now, a private discourse between myself and the Lord. I pray that these remaining two articles have given you insight into my heart, proven helpful, and thought provoking. Bless your beautiful souls. =^]

"The past few days have been one of great conviction. It's... all that is on my my mind and heart right now.... Conviction has come from a peer, a sermon and a godly man."

Last post, I addressed the conviction I received from the Lord through a peer situation. In this installment I will address the conviction the Lord laid upon my heart about "missions," and the shadowy corners that He is shining His light on.

Last weekend IHOPU held a symposium on "Understanding the Challenge of Islam." The first speaker was Joshua Lingel - founder of i² ministries, which focuses on missions to Muslims. His teaching was simple, direct and historical. It felt like being in class. The title was: "Why Care about Muslims?"

Honestly, I wanted to learn more about the Muslim culture and hear about how one should go about witnessing to them. Instead, as is per usual in an introductory speech of a symposium the problem was first addressed. I would love to say that I don't have any problems concerning ministry to Muslims. In fact, I even witnessed to a Muslim guy on my walks to church during the Elder-era! However, the Lord really used just a small portion of this speech and the one given by Dr. Sasan Tavassoli (another teacher, former Shi'ite Muslim from Iran) to show that I had some major pit-falls in my heart.

The Lord has been kind enough to show me one of the long-term plans that He has for my life would be ministry to various countries. I never actually realized that a majority of the countries He highlighted were dominated by Islam. Thus, I never realized how little I knew about Islam and Muslims or about my heart's true thoughts lying there just under the shadows.

Mr. Lingel discussed the history of missions to Muslims and how there has been little real efforts given toward Muslims. This part was filled with neat tid-bits but, mostly, fruitless for me. Then, he started targeting the thoughts that we have against Muslims as a country. The accusations in our hearts and even -- as Dr. Sassan pointed out -- the rejection of the kind of Islam that slammed into our country and the acceptance of the false ideas that Islam is truly a peaceful religion. This is where it began to hit in me. I have immense accusations against Muslims!

Over the past year the Lord has taken me through accusations in my heart towards adult ministry. Anyone that knows me knows that I love worship and that I love youth. I would never have guessed, and neither would any of you, that I HATED adult ministry. I thought adults were fake, spiritually dead and past the point of revival. Leading worship for adult services was really difficult for me because the Lord dredged up these accusations that I never considered; I couldn't even deny them because I didn't know they were there! I soon learned to see that He was inviting me to go low and serve the adults on my team (youngest member yet the leader... fun! Truly, it was after I got my act together), and the adults in the room. The Lord really invited me into His heart for them; they weren't too far gone. The Lord wanted to minister to them just as much as He wanted to minister to youth. He was not at all finished with them and they have sooo much future ahead of them! This same journey is not all that different than the one I feel the Lord is leading me on regarding Muslims.

Of course, I want to be open to whatever ministry opportunities the Lord puts in my path. But, I can't minister out of a heart that doesn't actually truly, from the depths of my heart, care about people. I must know what the Lord feels about Muslims. I must know how He thinks about them. I also must know my current heart posture toward them.

When Jesus gave the "great commission" He gave it to all of us and His purpose in naming countries to the disciples was because they were Gentile nations who had not experienced Jesus. He is calling us to go to those communities that have not had encounters with Jesus. Yet, the statistics say that most ministry is focused on those who may have already had examples of Christ or at least Western Christianity. Not that those regions aren't important as well, but, why are we not focusing on Muslim cultures?

Here are the dark thoughts of my heart towards Muslims: They're weird. Unless they have miraculous visions of Jesus, they won't get saved. Their hearts are too hard. If I see one walking towards me, I'll probably walk the other way. Why are they in our country? Why are we sending soldiers to fight for their rights? They've chosen hell. I'm scared of them. I'm scared they'll attack me. I'm scared they'll know all about their religion and mine and I won't be able to theologically convince them that Jesus is who Christians say He is - who I believe He is. Will they convince me otherwise of my beliefs? Will I become exasperated and just give up on them or accuse them of something ridiculous and thus "wash my hands of them?"

Really dark stuff! I think the heart of it was really that I won't be able to save them. As if I could without Holy Spirit anyway!? My thoughts towards Muslims regarding their salvation are quite similar to what my thoughts were towards adults in my church - their time is up, their hearts are too far away, etc. I believe the Lord really wants me to get into HIS heart regarding Muslims: His heart is for them. Jesus already died for them. While they are yet sinners Christ died for them - He loved them first and He is wanting a great harvest from the Muslim community. I believe the question He is posing to me is: Are you REALLY ready to 'go into all the earth and make disciples'? It's not just about convincing the Muslim that his ideas of God are wrong, it's about going to this unloved people group and making disciples of Christ out of them. Have I become a disciple of Christ yet? Am I ready to love them as Christ has loved me and wants to love them? Am I capable of that love yet?

I don't think my answer is a resounding "YES!" right now. I think the Lord is working in me about this. I think the preparation for this will involve getting to actually know Him better and understanding the Islamic community/religion more in order to minister to them. There has been a lot of talk lately about "becoming all things for all people," in regards to the modern church and current American culture. I love America, I think people here need Jesus just as much if not more than other countries. However, we have heard. Jesus is readily available free of charge (most times -- the genuine times) to anyone who wants Him at ANY time. There are still cultures who have not had genuine encounters with Christ - where the gospel of Christ is NOT readily available - or those cultures who have yet obtain a true revelation of Christ through His genuine disciples. The Lord is calling us to be those true witnesses of Him to these cultures. He is wanting us to be His friends and be His ambassadors of love, mercy and grace to the Gentile nations; the people groups, the nations, the cultures who have no faithful witnesses that are willing and ready to make disciples unto Jesus.

Lord, make me a disciple. Teach me. Train me. Reveal to me Your heart. Give me wisdom and revelation in regards to being a disciple and a witness of Your heart and character. Jesus, You are the Faithful witness - make me a faithful witness of You and Your Father. May I become one with You just as You and Your Father are one? May I have Your heart in place of mine? I want to be effective and able to say without hesitance, "Follow me, as I follow the example of Christ."

Journey :: Conviction, part 1

The past few days have been one of great conviction. It's pretty much all that is on my mind and heart right now. Trying to figure out why I feel convicted especially in these different and specific instances. Conviction has come from a peer, a sermon and a godly man.

I made a small joke maybe with some truth behind it to a friend I hadn't seen or talked to in a while: " *shakes head* You broke my heart..." They ended up making a come back which actually cut me a bit; it was weird how offended I actually felt! The comment they made was, it's my choice who I set my heart before and they're not responsible for the result of my heart, it was my choices that broke my heart. In essence.

Now, normally I'm okay with these pseudo-spiritual Christianese come-backs. However, I ended up thinking about that statement for a while, trying to get to the root of the initial feelings of offense and I came to two conclusions.

1) If that friend really believes that, that is a REALLY lame and spiritually abusive cop-out for friendship and any relationship, and 2) maybe they're right - to an extent - and perhaps I set my heart before the wrong people or too many people.

I think the first part is self-explanatory, but, to clarify, I think that if you or I choose to let someone have influence in our lives and hearts, the other person DOES have a responsibility with how they handle it. In regards to the specific situation stated earlier, it was silly and not at all what I'm talking about. In that sense that was totally my fault and they really do not need nor should feel guilty about that sitch. However, for that statement to come out as it did makes me wonder about the person's true thoughts and values.

In regards to the second point, I think the Lord Himself was convicting me about how my heart responded to that statement. In processing my heart response, I feel like the Lord was saying, "Why do you care so much about what they said?" The feeling of this query was and is still with me even right now. The question isn't posed directly toward the words or the meditation of the statement, it is directed toward my dwelling on being hurt and how that manifests itself in my view of myself. It's weird how that happens. One word, wrong look or even weird feeling from someone - no matter how significant in life - changes your entire world and self view in an instant. It doesn't last significantly long, but, what an absolute waste of time, thought and emotional energy!? How easily we forget the thoughts the Lord has toward us and how much more significant and meaningful His words of truth are! If I truly believe that His word is the FINAL word, that nothing can separate me from the love of God, that His good thoughts for me are more than the sand or the stars in the sky, then I really have no reason to allow any person's negative thoughts about me to take precedence and over-ride HIS thoughts for me. To put anything before the Lord is in its basest form, idolatry.

Lord, forgive me for idolatry; for allowing my negative perceptions of someone's seemingly negative words toward me overrule EVERYTHING You have said about me. Remind me again God, how you feel and think toward me - what Your high and lofty thoughts as the Creator are toward me, the created. You delight in me. You have brought me to the banqueting table and Your banner over me still is love.

(to be cont... On the next episode! - Conviction via sermon; Am I READY to "go and make disciples of all nations?" )

Journey :: Life, God and Art

The other day I was hanging out with a friend at an amazing coffee shop (I won't say which because there's some bitterness (pun not intended) regarding one not so great one that I think I need to get over...) and we were discussing songwriting. One of the thoughts that arose was that it's oddly difficult to write about LIFE; the day-to-day dealings such as listening to a best friend cry about something, or a break up with a significant other or fighting with your family or whatever. I agree with her: it is difficult to write about those things. Especially in trying to use new language to express the same old ideas and scenarios. I think we as a Christian culture also understand this when trying to be creative about worship songs or just in ways to express our heart to the Lord.

Now, I've sat here at the "New Post" tab of my blog for about an hour now, trying to decide what to write about. Looking over old blog posts, I find myself really sick about reading a history of my day or week or whatever. Someone this weekend told the IHOP teenagers in regards to conversations with the opposite sex, "Who really wants a historical account of your day!?" I know I can be found in Chronicles and the genealogy of Jesus, but that doesn't mean I have to write like that: "First I pulled down my trousers... second I squatted... third I pulled out my phone and opened up my facebook app... LOOK! 5 notifications... fourth,"... you get the picture. Thus, I am trying to work my way out of that box and write about stuff that is actually MEANINGFUL to me. They very well COULD be life events, but I want to dig deeper and answer questions like, "why does this affect me?" "what are my thoughts/fears/delights about this?" "what does the Lord think about this?" Which brings me to my next point.

I don't know if I want to write about the Lord so much. WAIT! Before y'all go off and start typing about JD being apostate (I just typed "aprostate"... twice now... hehehe...okay... focus!), what I mean is, I don't necessarily want to blog about my thoughts on the Word or my relationship with Him. I think that those things will come out as I express the other aspects of my life. I want to be able to talk about relationships, art mediums, experiences, my heart - both light and dark sides - as unhindered and unreserved as possible, in order to get to root issues and discover depths of myself that I have only caught glimpses of. Already, I think that sounds so sacrilegious - I should be searching out the depths of the Lord's heart and I am - but I'm not certain if it should sound as such.

Part of my journey is discovering who I am as a man. This involves who God says I am, what I think I am, how I respond in situations, my integrity, character, all of that and to a certain degree how people see me. I also want to understand how I see things. I know I have deep thoughts. I know I'm not as shallow as I accuse myself of being when I can't think of anything witty to say or give any intellectual input to a conversation for fear of God-knows-what. I think part of this discovery will be through writing. I enjoy writing. I enjoy language. I enjoy grammar, though, I know I may often miss the mark. I've experienced that keeping a written journal about my Bible studies and my prayer time has given me more language and more understanding about the Lord than speaking out loud. Furthermore, I would like to use these discoveries and the "muscle" I build as a writer to influence my songwriting.

The question I pose to myself, then, is this: Does life, God and art (writing, songwriting, painting, sculpting, etc.) need to be separated? That is, does art need revolve solely on God and direct thoughts about Him, or solely on life and its twist, turns and heart wrenches in order to be considered excellent art? Is there a way to join the three? To discuss the raw, crude, organic circumstances and emotions of life and yet acknowledge and even more, SEE the face of God in these musings? I am certain the answer is a resounding YES; there is a way to join life, God and writing in a way that both expresses the natural heart and glorifies the Father for the edification of the writer and the reader. Writers of the past have already done so. However, I have yet to discover how I may bring the three in perfect harmony as it pertains to my writing.

It is a trait of mine to first be over the top, then to be too understated and struggle to find that perfect balance. I noticed it in my writings. One day I'll be focused completely on the Lord, another will be a historical documentation of my drive home, another will be an outburst at a person who has upset me or done me wrong, yet another is a woeful (and private) discourse of my utter failings as a human being. I have found that perfect balance in many other situations, and, I hope to find it within my articles and allow the discipline and exercise of writing to shape me as a man.