Journey :: Conviction, part 1

The past few days have been one of great conviction. It's pretty much all that is on my mind and heart right now. Trying to figure out why I feel convicted especially in these different and specific instances. Conviction has come from a peer, a sermon and a godly man.

I made a small joke maybe with some truth behind it to a friend I hadn't seen or talked to in a while: " *shakes head* You broke my heart..." They ended up making a come back which actually cut me a bit; it was weird how offended I actually felt! The comment they made was, it's my choice who I set my heart before and they're not responsible for the result of my heart, it was my choices that broke my heart. In essence.

Now, normally I'm okay with these pseudo-spiritual Christianese come-backs. However, I ended up thinking about that statement for a while, trying to get to the root of the initial feelings of offense and I came to two conclusions.

1) If that friend really believes that, that is a REALLY lame and spiritually abusive cop-out for friendship and any relationship, and 2) maybe they're right - to an extent - and perhaps I set my heart before the wrong people or too many people.

I think the first part is self-explanatory, but, to clarify, I think that if you or I choose to let someone have influence in our lives and hearts, the other person DOES have a responsibility with how they handle it. In regards to the specific situation stated earlier, it was silly and not at all what I'm talking about. In that sense that was totally my fault and they really do not need nor should feel guilty about that sitch. However, for that statement to come out as it did makes me wonder about the person's true thoughts and values.

In regards to the second point, I think the Lord Himself was convicting me about how my heart responded to that statement. In processing my heart response, I feel like the Lord was saying, "Why do you care so much about what they said?" The feeling of this query was and is still with me even right now. The question isn't posed directly toward the words or the meditation of the statement, it is directed toward my dwelling on being hurt and how that manifests itself in my view of myself. It's weird how that happens. One word, wrong look or even weird feeling from someone - no matter how significant in life - changes your entire world and self view in an instant. It doesn't last significantly long, but, what an absolute waste of time, thought and emotional energy!? How easily we forget the thoughts the Lord has toward us and how much more significant and meaningful His words of truth are! If I truly believe that His word is the FINAL word, that nothing can separate me from the love of God, that His good thoughts for me are more than the sand or the stars in the sky, then I really have no reason to allow any person's negative thoughts about me to take precedence and over-ride HIS thoughts for me. To put anything before the Lord is in its basest form, idolatry.

Lord, forgive me for idolatry; for allowing my negative perceptions of someone's seemingly negative words toward me overrule EVERYTHING You have said about me. Remind me again God, how you feel and think toward me - what Your high and lofty thoughts as the Creator are toward me, the created. You delight in me. You have brought me to the banqueting table and Your banner over me still is love.

(to be cont... On the next episode! - Conviction via sermon; Am I READY to "go and make disciples of all nations?" )